Change of Mind

It's crazy how quickly your dreams for the future can change.

I spent my whole life wishing to be successful and rich. Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be a princess with lots of clothes and respect from people. I wanted to work hard for my money. I wanted to be well off. I lived for that dream, I worked my ass off like you never seen before. Blood Sweat and Tears I told myself I had to be the best at everything I did and soon enough I was.

 Of course life is never that easy and as I perfected skills, difficulty shot from another angle - money issues or bullying. I wanted to get into a good college. I wanted a handsome husband and beautiful children. I wanted to impress people. I wanted my work to be recognised, appreciated and eventually rewarded. I got called a nerd, a show off, bitch, teachers pet, slut, ugly, player, not to mention nigger, terrorist and the usual racist terms. Stupid pathetic insults that nontheless eventually got to me in one way or another.

I took it all because I knew it would pay off in the end. The nasty remarks, the stress, the anxiety. It would all be worth it.

Now at (almost) 17 years of age, i'm starting to question that. Will it actually pay off? You'd think working so hard and actually doing all of my homework i'd at least get alittle respect off teachers but even they look down on me. My old friends don't want to hang around anymore because i'm not up for "the drink", i'm not stuck up enough to hang round with the nerds either. Am I doing something wrong?
For awhile things like these floated in and out of my head. All the while resuming my studies continuing all that crap but how long can I keep doing this? I dont feel healthy.
 I have anxiety, I have very few friends, I don't have a close relationship with my family, I hate school, I drift in and out of depression. I don't sleep enough, I don't eat enough, I stress too much, worry too much, too much to study. Too much to do in too little time is often the case.

These days I think alot about just lying there and not getting up. I think about just walking out of class, walking out of those school gates and just keep walking...

I feel a strong sickness in the pit of my stomach at the thought of school, my heart races in the sight of homework, my hands shake at the sound of the word 'test'. Is there such a thing as schoolaphobia?
My workaholicism has taken a toll on me and I don't feel able for another 2 years of this. All those years of hard work wasted.
But I thought I dont need to be a scientist with a Ph'd and 600 points to be successful. 400 points is good right, I could work in Media, I could be a journalist.. I could be happy. I still have a pang of guilt thinking about it, of course my parents would disapprove of me going for a less off profession than what they were expecting.
But isn't happiness all that matters, yes I'd like to be able to afford the things I like and buy a car and buy a house and to travel the world but what I reeeally want is happiness.

I need relief .
I need to lift the heavy burden of the Leaving Cert, of expectations, of constant exams, of alllll and every form of stress off my shoulders. Gone .. at least for a little while.

But first I need to stop that schoolaphobia or whatever it's called if it even exists .
But How?
...

Goodbye.x